location: Bath, England
the look: dress from Anthropologie, tights by Heist, shoes from Topshop
Time lately is a process of getting lost and trying to enjoy the lost, quelling the anxieties that are waiting to pounce when I stop for too long, so I keep moving, anywhere, reading books about nuclear proliferation and feminist theory on long trains and planes to new places, jittery from too much earl grey tea, fearful of the fear. It's been a summer filled with stress dreams about the high school mean girls who land incredible jobs and have the most Instagram followers, coupled with a sneaking, wild dread that I'll lose all the happiness I've built in London. Falling in love also means falling in fear - for me they go inevitably together and I worry that the clock ticking closer and closer to my visa expiration date has simultaneously turned into a timekeeper for my growing unease. I'm trying so hard to feel the love without feeling the fear and most days it seems unimaginable. And it's at every level, not just in my relationships - it's towards politics, my home country, humanity - the distress seems to be unmanageable. It causes rash, violent, ignorant reactions from the fearful who attempt to strike panic in the hearts of those they fear. Normally I would put faith in a rallying cry, in the sense of community that historically has seemed to collectively pull everyone back out of nightmares, but right now I have no faith, not when faith is so casually being used for oppression. So instead I find myself in a state of avoidance, burying my head in books and dissertation writing and adventures and I'm ashamed that I can't be more fired up right now, more enraged or sad or any other emotion really, but no matter what I'm only left with fear. And while this may not be a glamorous sentiment, or even a fair one, I've decided to no longer stray away from my real. This past year has been an exercise in withheld opinion, so after months of open minded absorbing, it's time again to tell my story, in my way, when it's beautiful and when it's unlovely.